Carrie Underwood has murdered her fair share of bad men throughout her career. In Church Bells, she poisoned the man who gave her black eyes. She conspired with her husband’s mistress to murder the cheating bastard in Two Black Cadillacs. And she leaves her abusive father passed out drunk to die in a tornado in Blown Away.
But let’s be honest–Carrie is no spitfire. She’s not Miranda Lambert, who’ll burn your house down and pump you full of lead if you so much as look at her wrong. Carrie Underwood is America’s Sweetheart, beloved winner of American Idol, married to the captain of the hockey team. She’s blonde, beautiful, innocent, and a true believer in faith and the American dream. You get the sense that any moment she could decide to walk away from her career to raise babies on a Tennessee farm and be perfectly content.
But there’s only so much a woman can take. If you’re the kind of man who can drive sweet God-fearing Carrie Underwood to dig her key into the side of your pretty little souped up four-wheel driver, or slip something in your Tennessee whiskey, or even turn up cool-as-a-cucumber at your funeral after she ran you down with her car, well, then, you deserved it, you bastard.
And to the guy who cheated on her with the bleach blonde tramp who sang Shania karaoke? You got off easy.