Can we be honest for a moment?
The Easter Bunny is creepy.
Kids crying on the lap of the Easter Bunny is as American as apple pie. Can we blame them? I’d argue that there’s something seriously wrong with any kid who doesn’t cry on the Easter Bunny’s lap.
But I hear some of you saying, Don’t pick on the Easter Bunny. What about Santa Claus? Or the Tooth Fairy?
Okay, let’s talk about Santa Claus. On first glance, you might think sitting on Santa’s lap isn’t all that different from the Easter Bunny. But au contraire. Santa is a man. You might not see too many men walking around dressed completely in red velvet or with long white beards, but you see men everywhere. When was the last time you saw a ginormous rabbit walking around?
Visiting Santa makes sense. Sure he may be a little scary, but you have to tell him what you want him to bring you for Christmas. You don’t want to leave it to chance. Toys today are complicated. You don’t want Santa bringing you a Barbie when you want an American Girl doll. It’s worth the risk to clarify.
But the Easter Bunny? I’ll take my chances with a random candy assortment in my basket.
And most important? Santa has eyes. Real eyes. Not gigantic plastic discs where eyes should be. And even though those eyes can see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake, it’s worth it for the American Girls doll.
Eye on the prize, kids.
Now, the Tooth Fairy. She’s the easiest of all. No one knows for sure what she looks like or how she operates. You don’t have to face her at all. You just put your tooth under the pillow and wake up the next morning with cash. Too bad we can’t leave our lists for Santa under our pillows and skip the whole terrifying interaction (and save our parents fifty bucks on photo packages capturing “the moment.”)
So back to the Easter Bunny. There are so many things wrong here I don’t know where to start. We’ve already talked about the plastic, nonmoving eyes. But he also doesn’t even talk. He just stares at you. And I know I’m not the first person to ask this question, but why is a bunny bringing us eggs? Why isn’t it an Easter Chicken?
I could probably Google the answer.
I don’t want to know.
And why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs? At least with Santa and the Tooth Fairy, you know exactly where to look for your booty. But the Easter Bunny makes you run all over the yard looking for eggs. I think he’s trying to separate you from your parents so he can kidnap you and take you back to his evil bunny lair.
And I guarantee that lair is less Beatrix Potter and more Stephen King.
So Happy Easter everyone, and enjoy the dyed eggs and chocolate. But if you see the Easter Bunny, don’t think Peter Rabbit.