My human mommy is the best mommy on earth. I picked her out right away when she came into the shelter. Most of the other humans that had come in recently were real duds, and I was holding out. When she came in, the other cats made fun of me.
“No way are you going to get that human!” they laughed. “You’re not a kitten anymore, and you only have one eye! And anyway, she says she just looking. Didn’t you hear her?”
But I just sashayed on over to her and told the other cats to watch how it was done.
That was eight months ago, and I’ve taken over every corner of this house.
Because I love my human mommy, I do a lot of nice things for her. I kill all the bugs in the house, and I go to the bathroom in the box, and I sleep on top of her every night to keep her warm.
And this week, I did something extra nice.
You see, as much as I love mommy, she had some butt-ugly lamps in the living room. People think cats don’t notice things like this, but even with my one eye I could see these lamps had to go. Mommy said that they were fine, she’d bought them at a yard sale when she moved into the house years ago.
They weren’t fine. They were brass and old and I wanted them out of my house.
“There’s nothing wrong with the lamps!” Mommy said.
I could fix that.
So one day when Mommy left for work, I got to my own work. I brought my claws out—they were nice and sharp because all week when Mommy tried to cut them I ran away—and got down to business.
Two quick swipes and that lampshade was done for.
When Mommy got home, she was mad. I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about, but she knew I was responsible. Fortunately, I’d knocked over all the picture frames on the end table. That made it look like I’d jumped on the table in pursuit of a fly.
I flopped down on my side and licked her hand and then she wasn’t mad anymore.
Today she came home with two new lamps. Really nice ones, with butterflies and clean white shades.
“You better not mess with these,” she warned me.
Please. One, I don’t take orders from any human, even an adored one. And two, why would I mess with them? New lamps were the whole point.
After Melanie had the lamps in place, she turned on the bulbs and stood back.
“You know,” she said to me. “The room looks a lot nicer with these lamps.”
I nearly rolled my one eye. Of course it does, silly human. Of course it does.