I try not to rant on this blog, but today, I must make an exception. 

I beg your pardon and forgiveness.

But have you seen this new idiotic commercial for Dixie paper plates?

Before my rant commences, please review the 30 second video below:

For those of you who didn’t watch, the commercial depicts a man who has spent all day cooking his grandmother’s special spaghetti and meatballs recipe to impress his girlfriend.  He serves her dinner on a paper plate, and spills it onto her lap before she takes a single bite.

This petulant man-child then has the audacity to leave the paper plates a one-star review.

“Ruined our meal,” he types furiously.  “I spent all day trying to master my nana’s recipe.  I got everything right, except for the plates.”

Everything right except for the plates!  Napoleon got everything right except Waterloo.  The 2007 New England Patriots got everything right except Super Bowl XLII.  The Titanic got everything right except for the iceberg. 

To repeat:  HE SERVED SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS ON A PAPER PLATE TO IMPRESS HIS GIRLFRIEND.

And by the way, there is nothing on the dinner table but a jug and a glass of water when he serves her the spaghetti.  No crusty Italian bread and butter.  No salad.  No napkins.  No charcuterie board (which is the way to my heart, in case anyone is wondering.)

No wine.  That’s right, ladies, this Casanova didn’t even buy her a drink first.

I’m guessing he has a football game on a television just behind her head.  No need to miss a play while you’re slurping up noodles.

If this is what passes for millennial romance, no wonder I’m still single.

Hey buddy, wanna know why you’ve never seen a girl naked?

IT’S BECAUSE YOU SERVE THEM SPAGHETTI ON PAPER PLATES.

I mean, nothing says one-night stand like paper plates.

If you want a woman to know you’re going to respect her in the morning, at the very least you use Chinet.

Everybody knows that.