
Humans have managed to put a man on the moon.
Why can’t we get microwave popcorn right?
For my sanity, I’ve mostly given up on microwave popcorn. I make my popcorn old school—I buy a big jar of Orville Redenbacher (don’t talk to me about any other brand) kernels and pop them in a pan on the stove.
I start by heating the oil and adding a single kernel of corn. When it pops, I know the oil is ready and pour in the rest of the kernels. I give the pan several liberal shakes, making sure the oil coats all the kernels, then cover the pan and wait.
It’s like making coffee in the morning—the ritual is part of the appeal.
And using this method, I make perfect popcorn—or nearly perfect—every single time.
Knowing my love of the corn and hoping to save me some time, Santa left a box of (Orville Redenbacher—Santa’s always watching) microwave popcorn in my stocking.
A few days later, I decided to have some popcorn while I watched a movie (popcorn and movies always go together. There’s no point in popcorn while you’re on a work Zoom call, for example.)
Unlike cooking on the stove, microwave popcorn takes surgical precision. The instant I heard the popping slow down, I stopped the cooking and pulled out the bag.
Careful of the steam, I tore it open and poured the contents into a waiting bowl.
Half the bag remained in kernel form.
I sighed.
Next time, I made the perfect bag. Nearly every kernel popped.
I was pleased with myself, figuring I’d finally got the magic touch as I poured the popcorn into the bowl and prepared to watch The Thin Man.
But I’d grown overconfident. I’d forgotten that you never master microwave popcorn. You must concentrate like a golfer on his final putt every single time.
The next time I made popcorn, I heard the popping slowing. Let it go just a bit more, I told myself, those unpopped kernels from the first bag still fresh in my mind.
Just one, two, maybe three more seconds….
I knew before I’d even opened the microwave door that I’d made the cardinal mistake.
The smell told me I’d left it in too long.
The popcorn was black, there were scorch marks on the bag, and after choking down a few pieces, I dumped the entire bowl into the trash.
This should not be so difficult.
It was a six pack, so I have three more bags to go.
Then I can return to my beloved pan and jar of corn, and make my popcorn in peace.
But I sure will miss the Movie Theater Butter flavoring.
I find wine much easier to control.
Unlike a golfer’s putt, wine goes down the same way almost all the time.
Yes. No popping either.
…does popping down to the offy at five minutes to ten count?
Only if you’re noisy about it.
I’ll leave the door ajar so as not to wake anyone. 40 Woodbine, a frozen pizza and two bottles of babysham, anything else?
Maybe some chocolate.
Curly wurly? Freddo?
Bournville rum & raisin would be preferred.
Great. Glen’s vodka for a tenner if your interested?
Nope. But thanks. Don’t do spirits much.
Crisps?
S&V!
Popcorn before wine or I have no chance of getting it right….
Ah yes, there’s that.
My local cinema will deliver popcorn to your house, which is very 2023 goblin mode. It’s usually microwave popcorn in this house, but if it goes wrong, it’s an utter disaster. How was Asta the dog?
Asta is without a doubt the star of The Thin Man. But I like Mrs Asta even better in the sequel……
I say no to movie popcorn delivery! You want the good stuff, you’ve got to get it in person.
When in the mood for popcorn at home, we do go the homemade pan route. Of course, since we usually get popcorn at the movies and see our fair share, we don’t often get that urge to try and recrate that taste at home, which of course is pure folly because you can’t ever recreate the taste of popcorn popped at the theater!
You’re totally right. If the movie theaters die, they’re taking the best ever popcorn with them!
I just had a bag of Pop Secret, this evening: the instructions give me a window of 1 1/2 to 4 minutes to prepare? I don’t want to do grain-heating math. I want to eat popcorn with my Tubi.
It’s time to pull out that ol’ $20 air popper, which I stopped using because the price of raw popcorn is out of control. At least the air popper knows what it’s doing, not leaving me hanging with a 3 1/2 minute window.
That’s right.. take it from me, a lot can go wrong in that 3 1/2 minute window….
I know, right? The birds don’t even want it. Been there. . . .