My desk, with the chair pulled out, as always


I’ll admit it—I’ve got some weird habits. Things I do all the time without thinking about them.  We all do.

At least I hope it’s not just me.

I never push in my chair. I noticed this recently when I was cleaning up the house.  And not just cleaning up the house, but cleaning up because people were coming over.  Everyone knows this is an entirely different kind of cleaning.  You see your house with new eyes when you’ve got company coming over.  I see carpet stains, dust, and cat hair that was previously completely invisible to me.

But I’m getting off track. As I walked through the house, looking at it through the eyes of my guests, I noticed that my chair at the dining room table was pulled out.  As was the chair at my vanity, and at my desk.  And this wasn’t just a coincidence—I do it all the time.  I even do it at work, where you think I’d push my chair in at the end of the day.

But no.

Apparently I’ve been doing this for years without noticing. Why?  I have no idea.

Similarly, most of the closet doors in my house are constantly open. In this, I have some defense—it’s Jasmine’s fault.  She wants all the closet doors open, and if they are not, she will paw at them and meow and cry until I open them.  She normally waits until I am one nanosecond away from falling asleep to begin this assault and she doesn’t let up until I give in.  I’ve ceded all but the coat closet and the office closet to her.

Also, I’m obsessed with brushing my teeth. I wasn’t always like this, and it beats me when it started.  For most of my life, I’ve brushed my teeth two or three times a day like a normal person.  But at some point, I started brushing my teeth the moment I woke up in the morning.  Even if I have to brush them again within the hour after breakfast.

Probably many of you do this. None of us wake up with the breath of romantic comedy movie stars (or with the full makeup or bedhead-less hair.)  But I’ve taken it a step further.  I brush my teeth after coffee, then after breakfast.  After lunch.  After my 3pm snack.  After work.  After dinner.  Sometimes when I’m in the bathroom I just brush them for no particular reason.

As far as fetishes go, I suppose it’s a good one. I’ve never had a cavity.  Let’s just hope I don’t brush the enamel off my teeth.

I refill store bought water bottles from the tap but I only drink water in a glass poured from the Brita pitcher. I have underwear I only wear on the weekends.  I mute television commercials for pharmaceuticals.  I will only drink Pepsi—not Coke!—out of a can.

I have no idea why I do most of these things. And these are only the ones I’m willing to admit.  Fortunately, I live alone, so there are no witnesses to the really weird things.

Those are my secret.

Well, mine and Jasmine’s.

But she’s not meowing.

(As long as the closet doors are open.)